


Holding On

by Vorcha_Girl



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Canonical Character Death, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-30
Updated: 2016-06-30
Packaged: 2018-07-19 04:56:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7345813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vorcha_Girl/pseuds/Vorcha_Girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard is angry, guilty and upset after she is forced to leave Ashley behind on Virmire, and seeks solace from Kaidan Alenko. Post-Virmire hurt/comfort oneshot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Holding On

**Author's Note:**

> A/N - written for Badwolf626 on Tumblr as part of our art/fic trade. I hope you love it! This is about her Raine Shepard seeking some comfort from Kaidan after making the heartbreaking choice to leave Ashley behind on Virmire. :(

* * *

 

The gentle hum of the Normandy’s engine filled the air, somehow louder in the darkness of the Captain's Cabin, the ambient noise pulsing and flowing around Raine Shepard as she lay on her bed and stared at the ceiling. She lay motionless, as though if she stayed as still as possible the events of the day wouldn’t find her and the scream building in her chest might not make it of her mouth.

It still didn’t seem real.

_How could Ash be gone?_

That vibrant young woman, so quick with a comeback and so trustworthy on a mission? Gone. The kind of soldier who was dependable, brave, and just what the Alliance needed? Gone. Killed. Taken from them in an instant because Saren’s geth had overwhelmed them and she’d been foolish enough to split her shore party into two teams, and hadn’t been able to save them both.

 Shepard balled her hands into fists, her bones aching as she squeezed them tighter and tighter, her nails biting into her palms, the pain of _that_ holding the pain of loss at bay. She embraced the rage burning in her core; anger that Saren had forced her to make that choice, that he’d taken away her ability to save both Kaidan and Ashley by engaging her in a futile battle.

 _I could have saved them both,_ she told herself furiously as tears burned behind her eyes. _I should have been faster._

The chiming sound of someone at the door broke her from replaying the ugly scene in her mind – and she dragged herself off the bed, guilt weighing heavily upon her. She wasn’t surprised to see Kaidan at the door, his dark eyes troubled and red rimmed as though he’d shed tears of his own for Ash’s loss. Which he probably had; if Ash had been like a sister to her, then she’d been a best friend to Kaidan.

“Shepard,” he greeted her, nodding politely. “Can I come in?”

Raine nodded and waved him inside, closing the door behind him, beyond caring if anyone saw him entering her cabin at this time of the night. Besides, no one would care. Everyone would be grieving the loss of one of their own in their own way. Some would be embracing the bottle, others would throw themselves into their work, and others, like her, would be full of self-recriminations.

 _If only I’d been faster_ , she thought again.

_Smarter._

_Better._

“I can’t believe Ash is gone.” Kaidan turned to face her, his voice gentle; as though hesitant to break the silence. “First Jenkins, and now … _Ash_.”

“You’ve never lost anyone under your commander before?”

“No,” he looked down, his face falling into shadow. “I’ve been on missions where we’ve lost people before, we all have, right? But never a marine under my command. Never someone I worked with day in and day out.” Kaidan looked up and met her eyes, his lower lip trembling. “Never a _friend_.”

Shepard nodded, her own eyes filling with tears as the weight of her grief came crashing down, threatening to crush her. “She shouldn’t have had to die at all, but I keep reminding myself that she died a hero. She died so we could get the hell out of there and blow that facility to hell and back.”

“I know.” Kaidan began to pace. “It just feels so unfair. You could have left me-“

“No, I couldn’t have.” She gave him a look that said how stupid she thought he was being, and she wiped her eyes as a few tears spilled over despite her best efforts. “I intended to save both of you, and I came back for you first because you were the highest ranked officer, you were closest, and you were priming he bomb. That meant you were a priority over a Gunnery Chief-“

He stopped and stared at her, his face paling. “Don’t say that-“

“It’s the truth.” Shepard wheeled away and raked her hands through her hair. “That’s the measure of my job, Kaidan. Sometimes it comes down to cold decisions.”

“Cold decisions?” She heard his footsteps behind her, and wasn’t surprised when his hands closed about her shoulders, firmly and gently, and forced her to turn around. “Is that the only reason you came for me first? A _cold decision_? Be honest, did this _thing_ between us have any part in it?”

 _Of course it did_ , she wanted to tell him … But in truth it _wasn’t_ the whole reason. It wasn’t even the main reason. And Kaidan would carry the guilt with him if he even suspected he was _part_ of the reason. He was too honourable and too good of a man not to feel responsible, even if he wasn’t.

Shepard swallowed hard and shrugged as a few more tears slid down her cheeks. “I wanted to save both of you,” she said again, her voice cracking.

It was the best she could do without lying to him; and she wouldn’t do that to him.

“Shepard, I’m sorry.” Kaidan swallowed guiltily, and shifted his weight back and forth. “I just feel so awful. So guilty.”

“So do I. But Ash is _gone_ , Kaidan. She’s gone and it was _my call_. I hate that we’ve seen so much death on this mission, that so many people have lost their lives, and here I am crying over _one woman_. God. Why is it that the weight of one soldier’s death, _one woman_ , holds so much more meaning to me than all the hundreds of others I’ve seen so far?”

Kaidan watched her for a second, his eyes swimming with tears, and then he pulled her into his arms and held her to him. “Because she was Ash.”

She nodded and let him hold her as the flood gates opened and more tears poured out. His lips moved over her face, kissing away the moisture, but he never once kissed her lips, and he never once tried to make the moment into something it wasn’t. They shared their grief. They cried together and held each other; they mourned.

 

* * *

 

 

_(Art by[bad](http://badwolf626.tumblr.com/post/126028860374/kaidan-alenko-appreciation-week-day-6-august)_ _[wolf626](http://badwolf626.tumblr.com/post/126028860374/kaidan-alenko-appreciation-week-day-6-august)) _  

* * *

 

 

“Will you stay with me tonight?” Shepard asked when the tears finally dried up, and she motioned to the bed, clutching him tightly with her free hand. “I just … want to be held. I don’t want to be alone.”

 Kaidan nodded, and his arms tightened about her. “Of course.”

Raine let out the breath she’d been holding, terrified that Kaidan had been about to laugh or tell her to deal with her grief on her own. But of course he wouldn’t. Kaidan Alenko was, amongst his many admirable qualities, a gentleman.

They took off their boots and belts and slipped under the covers fully clothed. Kaidan pulled her against him; a warm comforting presence. He was a pair of sturdy arms around her, a familiar scent, and a steady biotic pulse against her body. Shepard closed her eyes and nestled against him, resting her head against his chest and trying not to think about the wonderful woman she’d been forced to leave behind today.

“Ash was supposed to take me shooting on the Citadel range the next time we docked,” Kaidan said suddenly. “She wanted to help me improve my sniping skills.” The bed shifted as he scrubbed at his face. “She was always going out of her way to help me like that.”

“I know.” Shepard nodded, her voice thick with emotion as the anger in her chest swelled; it wasn’t fair that Ash was gone. _It wasn’t fair_. “She wanted to take me dress shopping in case you-“ She bit off her words and swallowed them quickly, wondering if Kaidan knew what she’d been about to say.

_In case you asked me out on a date._

Ash had been so certain Kaidan would, and she had been so supportive of Shepard and her feelings. They’d talked about things over dinner and drinks – _girl talk_ – and Ash had given her the first and only bit of advice that anyone had given her when it came to matters of the heart.

Hell, she could still hear Ash’s voice in her head. “ _Take a risk, Skipper._ _Don’t wait, don’t over think it. If you feel something for him, then do something about it. You don’t find the right person every day. And something tells me that he feels the same.”_

Kaidan sighed, his breath tickling against her check. “You know,” he said softly in the dark. “I’m not normally a violent person, but when we find Saren I’m going to put an extra bullet in him for Ash.”

“Me too,” Raine agreed. “Hell, I’ll even try to find an especially poignant bit of poetry to read over his corpse after we take him out. Because after losing Ash today I’m even more determined to find him and make him pay. He killed one of our own. He killed one of _us_. He’s going to pay for this in spades.”

For a moment there was a silence, and then Kaidan spoke, his voice a low murmur. “ _But until peace, the storm,  
The darkness and the thunder and the rain._ ”

“Poetry?” She asked. “I didn’t know you were a fan.”

“Not like Ash was. That’s from a war poem from called ‘To Germany’ that I studied in high school. It seemed appropriate,” he said in the darkness. “You sound like you’re gearing up for war with Saren.”

Shepard nodded and curled up against Kaidan, the rage and pain undimmed inside of her as she quietly mourned for her friend.

“I am,” she agreed after a moments silence. “And I intend to _win_.”

 

**The End**

 


End file.
